One Woman and a Car

Nevermind Two Men and a Truck... I'm one woman with a car.

I'm a Holmes' and if you don't know about us Holmes' women, you should learn. We are a breed of women who get ish done.

So yes, I packed up Blair (my 2009 Saturn Aura) and moved into my new apartment in the District. Now because I'm out here trying to stay afloat - I only had help for about three hours on Saturday, which meant it was up to me and Blair to get the rest of my warehouse of clothes, shoes, and random a$$ stuff into this tiny, but character-filled English basement (True definition: A closet that DC Realtors has tricked folks into thinking it is an actual apartment).

I've been doing this moving thing wayy to much and too often with little help. Side note: I do it because it needs to be done and I can do it, but WTH? I get a little rinky tink (a Burpism)with the male species when it's time for me to move and they all go ghost.

It might not be so bad if I didn't have enough to fill a four bedroom home. When I tell you that I have no clue how I've accumulated so much stuff, you probably wouldn't believe me. Burpis thinks I should be on that A&E show "Hoarders," but it's not that. My best explanation...I'm a Virgo.

Virgos go hard at everything. So when I like something - It's damn near an obsession.

Shoes, Clothes, Purses, Scarves, Books, Trinkets, you name it and I have too much of it. Every time I cleared an inch of space - I realized had more boxes or bags to bring in.

But, I did good, and Blair is excited to be clean and empty again. Looking forward to not moving again until I have one all of the above: a graduate degree, a rock on my finger, and home that I own.

DC Excuses

I'm suppose to overlook a grown man not having a car just because he lives in the DMV (DC-Maryland-Virginia) area. Well, brothas and Peters, if that is the case then here are my DC excuses:


I don't have to have pretty feet because I do so much damn walking in DC

I don't have to have long straight silky hair every day because it's too hott and humid for all that

I don't have to carry the cute, dainty little clutches because I need to take my life with me on the metro. So, yes I'm carrying a damn suitcase. You never know how long you will be waiting underground.

I don't have to be domesticated because there is a restaurant for you to take me to every night of the year

Anything I missed ladies???

Groupies go bye bye

Groupie (n.) - person (female and sadly, men too) who strategically align their social calendars to always be in the area of certain people (athletes, rappers, politicians, etc.)

If you are impressed by a Mercedes or when someone says they live in a mansion - then you need to go bye bye.

Ladies and gents, put your cameraphones away and close your mouth. These men are nothing special. They know you are groupies and that is exactly how they will treat you.

I inadvertently attended a NFL pool party this weekend and guess what??? I wasn't phased. It was soo not my scene. It was your standard party at a nice home with liq flowing, men drooling and a$$ and boobies everywhere. DJ was on point and the pool was nice, but as I tweeted, "mama didn't raise no groupie." Just as I don't know who these NFL and NBA fourth string (or hell, starters) are ...they don't know who I am. No arrogance in that statement, just fact. Yeah, it was interesting to see a Jay- Z video happening LIVE, but do I ever need to attend another one? NOPE.

I'm using this party as an example, but I'm talking about you Capitol Hill groupies as well. Just because you do your stuntin' on Independence Ave. in a business suit and a glass of Perrier in your hand - don't think you are better than the video girls.

Growing up in Oakland County has afforded me the right to have this attitude. So, when you say mansion to me or drop names or strategically show your keys ... um, yeah, ok. Don't expect me to jump for joy or drop (you know what).

My rule of thumb, enter every room like you are the celebrity. Carrying yourself a certain way says more than you think. That's a note for you young ones like the 19-year-olds who walked me around this party to find my friend - I understand they were excited, but I wanted to take them to the car and school them.

I will say that it could have been a completely different (funnier) experience if my DC girls weren't on some BS that day and AJ would stop playing and just move here, but either way it was cool people watching. Few hours later I got up, got my ish and said bye bye - let them ask why you are leaving...don't be the last one left.

Febreeze isn't that strong

Going on three months of apartment hunting and now that it's summertime even more peeps are posting only for FURNISHED apartments.

NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH NEWS FLASH

I don't want to sleep on your 10 year-old mattress or even sit on your 2 year-old sofa. That ish is disgusting. No mattress pad and a little Febreeze will stop the bed bugs that i'm sure have been transferred from the interns and college students that you have been renting to for the last umpteenth years.

Ok, maybe I can understand you are going home for the summer, but hell - sell it!

So....Craigslist posters - please note that if you want me or other people who prefer to sleep on their own beds and socialize with their own furnishings to sign a year and even sometimes two year leases...take your ish to a storage unit or put it on the corner.

If not, i'm bleaching everything - so say bye bye to whatever color/finish it was before.

What's that smell?

It's night one of girls weekend in the District, and AJ and I are making a liq run. We had just talked about how a reality show with us would be so funny and then this ish happens. Driving down Franklin St about to bust a right onto Lincoln and BAM! It hit us...As I'm trying to decipher what the heinous smell is, AJ goes, "Why does it smell like semen?"

She was dead on, we were inhaling the scent of semen. YUCK, VOMIT, GROSS. Seeing that Ro had my car allday we automatically jump to conclusions and text him. He denies, but lucky for him the smell softens as we get to the liq store, but we are still disgusted.

On the drive home, we realize it's gone and I am relieved that the odor was NOT coming from my car. BUT, wait! There it is again. It hit us so hard. We start choking and laughing uncontrollably as we suffocate from what is clearly the most potent semen in DC. Everyone woman in NE may be having this man's baby in 9 mos. Just to give you an idea of what we were experiencing.

Anyhow, we came to the conclusion that odor was coming from the CEMETERY on that corner (Franklin and Lincoln NE). I know nothing about cemeterys except that they should never make a neighborhood smell like mine did last night. I wanted to call the cops, public health department - someone, anyone really, but who in the hell would have listened to my complaint?

Oh well, I just need to find a new route because my nostrils were thoroughly offended last night.